Fulfilment vs Sacrifice
by forever118
Summary: My first oneshot. Edward & Bella's thoughts as she is marching up the aisle...


It was time. The peak of my existence, the reason why God had allowed Carlisle to cheat death of my soul, the ultimate point of my _existence_... She walked slowly up the aisle, with a rather puffy-eyed Charlie on her arm. She was a vision of beauty, of course; Alice had truly outdone herself today. I could only imagine the ungodly hour that they had forced her to wake up this morning for the preparations. Which was probably why she was now trying to stifle a yawn, the dark rings under her eyes contrasting with her porcelain skin; as if she was already one of us.

The wedding had put so much pressure on her fragile soul, I knew that- what with Charlie making daily attempts to shoot me and Renee throwing venomous glances at us every few seconds, both of them refusing at first to participate in the wedding plans in any way. And she wasn't even absorbing their thoughts like I had to. Even now, I wondered for the millionth time if she was making the right choice.

My gaze left my beautiful wife-to-be for a moment to flicker about the surroundings. It had been a long while since my family had hosted an event of this sort, and their enthusiasm at welcoming a new member of the family -in more ways than one- was all too apparent. We had booked the National City Christian Church, Washington for the entire morning; God knows how much money Alice had spent in pushing other people's weddings out to make way for ours. My lips curled back slightly as I remembered Alice's smug grin while leaving the office of a very dazed priest, a two-inch thick wad of five hundred dollarbills folded into his palm. Alice will be Alice.

My eyes wandered to the high ceiling, swathed in navy blue cloth with silver trimmings, and onto the walls hung with gorgeous bouquets of white roses trailing onto the floor. The blue and white theme had practically been all Bella had a say in during the wedding planning sessions, and it was dominant in almost all aspects of decoration.

I'd had to reign Alice in when she began insisting that it was necessary for the Priest's robes to match too.

Back at the manor where we would be holding the reception, I knew that fine chefs -subtly borrowed from five-star restaurants around Europe- were now preparing the finishing touches in the meals for the humans, probably more exquisite than anything they'd ever tasted in this dull town before. My family, of course, would be "too busy" being the charming hosts and hostesses that we were to eat.

As Bella neared the altar and the wedding march reached its climax, I glanced briefly at the guests, locating my family's thoughts. Renee and my parents were there in the front row, Esme patting Bella's sobbing mother on the shoulder comfortingly. _What on this earth is this woman crying about, _she wondered inside her head. Carlisle smiled at me serenely. _We're so happy for you, son._ I smiled in return, barely containing my almost childish excitement, like a toddler on Christmas morning.

Alice, executing her duties as the maid of honour, walked behind Bella in perfect sync and held up her long, lacy train. _You're an idiot, Edward. But a lucky one._ She caught my eye and grinned, and for that moment all the annoyance that I'd previously felt with her faded into nothing more than brotherly affection. Somewhere beyond the closed church door, I could hear Jasper's deep voice resound in my mind. _Keep her, my brother. Keep her well._ I felt a wave of calmness wash over me, pushing away all my frazzled nerves. I made a mental note to thank him later.

I didn't see the others- Rosalie and Emmett, but I could hear them. They were probably outside the church too, looking around for any possible wedding-crashers; namely a few dogs who would refuse to shut up when it came to the "Any objections" part of the vow. Rosalie's mind echoed with a single statement, _I hope you'll be happy_, while Emmett's thoughts merely irritated me: _Edward, if you're listening to me out there... I can't believe my little brother is all grown up and finally going to get laid!_

I growled softly, too soft for the humans to hear, but it made Carlisle look at me sharply. "Emmett," I murmured, and my father nodded understandingly, a silent chuckle on his lips.

Bella was two meters away from me now. So close... Why did the humans' wedding march have to be so intoxicatingly _slow_? It was like--

* * *

--a prisoner walking towards a life sentence, I thought glumly, my eyes cast downward as I made my way up the aisle. Charlie's arm was shaking slightly upon mine- I knew he was still fighting to control the tears I had seen overwhelm him late last night; as my mother rubbed his back soothingly, her head leaning against his shoulder. I'd felt a terrible guilt then, my parents' sadness mingling with my own, dragging me into downright grief. What kind of ungrateful daughter repays her parents by making all their hopes and disappointments crash and burn right before their eyes, simply for the sake of her lover? 

And that's not even the worst part, I'd reflected, the never-ending horror with myself refreshed once again. I wasn't even going to come back to visit them every weekend like I promised I would. There were so many promises that I'd have to break, each one a sin taking its toll on my heart. I would never be able to send them pictures of my babies, telling them about the very first tooth or the first word. They would be denied of their rights to be fussy pampering grandparents, denied of the pleasure of seeing their grand-children toddle about in their front yard, denied of celebrating family reunions in the winter and vacations in the summer, denied of birthday presents that gave unfunny jokes about turning older, denied of piano recitals and Christmas cards and soccer tournaments... All because of me, and my selfish unwillingness to live without _him._

I probably wouldn't even be there when they were on their deathbed, I realized with disgust. My eyes began to glaze over with moisture, and hurriedly I pressed my gloved hand against my mouth to muffle the sobs that were undoubtedly on their way. I hoped the gesture would look like I was merely stifling a yawn.

The guilt that I had been repressing for the past month now attacked me full-force, as if angry with me for avoiding it for so long. Thoughts of the children that I was sacrificing before they even existed began to trickle through my mind, like water dripping from a leaky faucet.

The joy of meeting my first child after labour, complaining to my colleagues about how hard it was to find a babysitter these days, organizing birthday parties with clowns and magicians and animal-shaped balloons, trips to the local zoo while ignoring pleas for chocolate ice-cream on a hot sunny day; they would all be in a world that I was leaving _now,_ before I'd even had the chance to experience what it was like out there as a human being.

I kept staring straight down. I deserved this. I had chosen to leave this world, and I wasn't going to back out of my decision now.

The organ fell silent and the choir stopped singing- the march was over. I stepped up to the altar, careful not to trip over the ivory satin, agonizingly self-conscious as I stared at the five-centimetre-heeled death traps that Alice had set on my feet under the guise of 'shoes'. Alice took my bouquet, and I placed my hands in Edward's. I could feel his eyes burning through me, willing me to look at him.

After managing to compose my face into a somewhat calm expression- I complied, hesitantly, and the moment our eyes met-

* * *

--all doubt was swept away in the magnificence of our love. There would be, and will be nothing that could ever compare to that second, the exact moment when my heart began beating again with the rhythm of the exultant truth: Bella and I were meant for each other. It was destiny; written in the scrolls of Fate, mapped out across the stars. A path, waiting for us to find it... and now it had been found. 

"Edward," she whispered, her sweet voice making my name sound perfect as usual. "Yes, my love?" It took all my self-control not to grab her at that second and smother her with kisses, kisses I knew that soon wouldn't have to be careful... A rush of giddiness pumped through my head at the very thought. Her hand that bore my ring released mine, only to bring its warmth to rest against my cold cheek.

I turned my head slightly to kiss it; she blushed faintly. Surely I must have done something good in my human life that deserved such heavenly beauty...

I smiled at her, and could actually feel her skin temperature rising as using her other hand, she brought mine to her mouth and kissed it softly.

The meteor that lit my moonless night took a deep, steadying breath. "I'm ready."


End file.
